Do you find integration challenging?
In a previous blog post, I offered one way to define integration as: an awareness of your core values (your being) and intentionally manifesting your being in all parts of your life (your doing). I also described the characteristics that could help us to understand what integration looks and feels like.
If you find integration challenging, you are not alone.
On further self-assessment, I have come up with 4 broad reasons integration can be challenging. Perhaps these resonate with you too.
1) Integration may conflict with your central identity, and this may cause discomfort.
Many of us have a central identity, I call this the “big P”, Purpose. But what if you are not one central identity but a bunch of identities, all of which are important to you? I call these the “little p’s”.
For me, back in the olden days, “big P” was “work”, probably due to cultural conditioning from childhood, reinforced by the institutions I was part of - schools, colleges, workplaces - where I got external validation for this “work” identity.
Sounds familiar? Many of my clients consider “work” as their central identity too.
This was before I experienced burnout over twenty years ago and understood that building a foundation of wellbeing was essential to create and sustain any impact I was having. While I still held on to work as my central identity, (this was not so easy to untangle), I started prioritizing what sets me up to thrive, and unofficially developed the 8 pillars of wellbeing.
Now, I am letting go of this central identity of work even further, integrating all my “little p’s”, and expressing my top values more consistently including “being in the present moment”. That’s not to say I don’t sometimes go back to my old, default way of thinking.
Sounds familiar again? It turns out as you start to honor hidden values, discomfort arises.
Perhaps your central identity is being a mother. Then you make choices daily that enable you to be the best mother to help get your kids to and through college. You may sacrifice things that are important to you for this “big P”. There is nothing wrong with this. In some ways, you are being super clear of the importance of this one identity, providing you with the motivation to bear anything that may be unpleasant or hard. The sacrifices you make are completely worth it, you tell yourself.
And what if, as a loving mother, you also want some alone time, or down time from your family for self-care or social connection? Is it selfish to go away with your friends for a weekend, or to a silent retreat? Perhaps it might make you a better mother, as you honor what refuels your cup. And perhaps if you ignore your needs for too long, it may snowball, making you resentful of the very relationships that mean so much to you and making it harder to be the mother you aspire to be.
What might it look like to embrace all your identities (your “little p’s”), not just your central identity (your “big P”)? Perhaps you would progress on your “big P” and feel more fulfilled.
2) Oftentimes there is a conflict in values; you have to decide, which is the one you want to honor today or find a new way to honor both.
Perhaps you have taken a deep dive and articulated your values. Perhaps you have even listed specific behaviors that line up with these values. I have done this; I have asked my coaching clients to do this. Even if we intellectually know what our values are, and what behaviors are associated with it – we don’t always follow through.
For example, I value being of service, listening to others’ challenges, situations, and wanting to be there for them. I also value silence as that is where I build up my inner reservoir to be of service. For a long time, I honored the needs of others before my needs, but I have since realized it doesn’t have to be either/or: I have found a way to turn off my phone, limit my accessibility during the day and weekends for periods of time, so that I can recharge. This enables me to serve the other better, than if I just kept going, available to all. Sounds simple? It took me a long time to give myself permission to do this, given my empathetic nature.
How might it look to integrate your top values in a way you have not considered before?
3) You may be balancing living a value that seems more urgent as it is “needed” against a long-term value that requires more commitment and that you “really want”.
Integration gives you this feeling of choice of living your values. Sometimes that choice may be hard as you have pressing things that need your immediate attention and so seem more urgent, compared to other things that require more commitment and fall in the bucket of what you really aspire for in the long-term.
For example, I say I am committed to my spiritual journey: spirituality is my top value. Deepening on the spiritual journey requires overt commitments like spending time on my own meditating, chanting, reading spiritual texts, listening to spiritual talks, going to spiritual gatherings, volunteering for spiritual communities…. But I have a hard time visibly committing to the spiritual journey daily, as everything else seems more important – work, family, friends, physical health activities, daily errands, and more. So now I am trying to integrate my connection to the divine in different ways. While I write this blog for example, I am playing a chant in the background. So, I can do both. I don’t need to physically chant, but the chant is playing and the energy of that chant is vibrating through me and my blog writing. The spiritual support I am getting inspires my creativity, takes me away from fight or flight, and into a space of joy which also allows me to witness myself – being and doing at the same time.
How do you honor your long-term values, “being”, while “doing” what is needed?
4) Integration may feel like you are being unfocused because you are juggling and prioritizing your top values daily and it is not always easy. Having a broad routine that reflects your values may help.
As you integrate, and live your values daily, perhaps no two days are alike. Maybe this feels like you are being inconsistent, not structured, not focused, not organized. Integration is different from balance as my previous blog post explored. It doesn’t feel symmetrical. It doesn’t feel even. It doesn’t feel like it is all tied into a pretty bow. One suggestion to help offset this feeling of being unfocused is committing upfront to a weekly routine – one that you write out, can change if needed, but gives you some broad categories of focus, so you know your values are being honored.
For example, Mondays and Wednesdays are my “concentrated’ workdays”; Tuesdays are my “creativity” days - I do work-related things that interest me, but which don’t necessarily have a clear and linear path like exploring ideas that may not go anywhere, listening to talks, meditating, writing, etc.; Wednesday and Thursday evenings are my “social connection” evenings; and Fridays are my “me” days. There’s more, but you get the gist. Of course, this keeps constantly changing, and as I try to bring more structure back into my life, having these buckets helps me. And if I don’t keep to this routine, I don’t beat myself up about it. I call it integrating in the present moment.
What weekly routine might help you to be more focused while living your values?
As you go through the journey of integration, you might think of it in 4 steps. Here is a framework from the iPEC coaching toolkit that I have adapted to help navigate the journey of integration.
The first step is awareness. Knowing your most important values, knowing your different identities, knowing you are not fixed, that you are evolving.
The second step is acceptance. Being comfortable that integration is uncomfortable. It isn’t straight forward. You honor the journey you are on, with no judgment.
The third step is conscious choice. With awareness, and acceptance, you are in a better position to consciously choose how you live and integrate your values than you otherwise would.
The fourth step is trusting the process. Having faith and trust that your efforts, your awareness, your so-called mis-steps are all exactly what you need, all part of the learning, on the journey of mastery.
I would love to hear your insights on the themes that resonate with you or any other feedback. Feel free to send an email to lalita@invitingintegration.com if you would like to share with me.