Playing the game of life: is what holds me back holding you back too?
This could be my last blog post.
Unless I practice some of my Integration coaching on me, that is.
What’s holding me back? It could be the same thing holding you back.
For me, it all comes down to thoughts. Every day is a battle of which thoughts will sustain – is it the thoughts that reflect my potential, or the thoughts that come from fear? FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. I learnt this in my iPEC coach training program and the acronym stuck with me. It reminds me that fear is simply a set of thoughts.
Take writing this blog, for example. I have always wanted to write a blog, just like I have always wanted to be a coach. But I took a long time to get started, and now that I have, some of the same thoughts that held me back still hold me back. Luckily, thanks to the coach training I proactively sought out as well as my desire to tap into my own potential, I have more tools to help me see how much more choice I have, rather than thinking these same mundane thoughts.
What are these thoughts that hold us back? Here, I share three categories you may recognize in your experience.
TYPE 1 – THE “I’M NOT ‘X’ ENOUGH” - INNER CRITIC THOUGHT
Everyone has an ‘I’m not ‘X’ enough’ statement or statements. The ‘X’ is more specific than the word ‘good’. For example, I’m not ‘confident’ enough, I’m not ‘qualified’ enough, I’m not ‘articulate’ enough, I’m not ‘fast’ enough. No matter what the X is, it is holding you back. How true is that X? When you are deeply centered and go within, you know X is not true. But sometimes - perhaps due to fear- we lose sight of the truth. These statements of self-judgment - the inner critic within us - hold us back more than any outer block could. There is a lot of hard work involved in transforming this inner critic. Becoming aware of it, and its influence on you, is the first step. How true is this for you?
TYPE 2 – THE COMPARISON THOUGHT
“I can never do Y. I see how others are doing it, and I don’t want to do or can’t do it that way”. Sound familiar? This is a thought of comparison - a thought that says there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way to do something. What if you believed there is no right or wrong way, and that there is not just one way? The comparison thought embeds a judgment in it. Why compare yourself to others, when you are on your own unique journey, and no one can play YOU better than YOU?
TYPE 3 – THE DESIRE FOR EXTERNAL VALIDATION THOUGHT
We say we value certain things over others, but when we make choices to honor those values, we may not fully recognize and own these values. So, for example, I am driven by my intrinsic motivation (or so I think) with respect to writing this blog. I write it out of joy and with the hope of impact. However, I sometimes get stuck on wanting to know “now” that these posts are being read and appreciated. My true intention with the blog posts is to fulfill my intrinsic motivation, and yet I get stuck on the external metric of success, the impact. I have to remind myself I am on the journey of mastery. What if we remembered we control our intentions and actions, and not necessarily the outcomes?
Did you know you hold the key to the solution?
MINDSET SHIFT – WHY CAN’T I PLAY “LIFE” HOW I PLAY TENNIS?
As I started on my self-coaching journey, I had to pause writing this blog and missed my own self-imposed deadline. As I am an Integration Coach integrating all that is important to me, I had to prioritize where the blog post stood in relation to other things that were also deeply important to me.
I also practiced Mindful Self-Compassion - not judging my thoughts, bringing awareness to my thoughts and emotions with kindness, and acknowledging we all experience these moments, and it is what makes us human.
Through these practices insights started to form, and the question arose: “Why can’t I play “life” how I play tennis?”
So here I share my mindset around tennis, and how I try to apply this mindset to any area in my life I am struggling with. Perhaps this inspires you to tap into what you already know to be true.
#1 Commitment:
I commit to playing tennis every week at 8:30 a.m. on a Thursday regardless of anything else I have going on. Compare this to other things I am involved with where I may waiver and question my commitment or whether I should spend my time doing something. For example, writing this blog. I wonder “What is the point of writing it, when I can’t write as often or as quickly as others? What is the point of writing it if no one is reading it?” None of this comes up with respect to tennis. I am in the beginners’ group tennis class, and every week I show up without questioning my why. I have made a commitment and I keep it. So, in the context of this blog, I am keeping my commitment to write my insights for myself monthly, and when it turns into a blog post for others, it will. This may not sound like a big commitment, but it is a commitment to keep the creative process going regardless of production.
#2 Non-Judgment:
I don’t judge myself on how I played tennis. If I played well or didn’t play well, it doesn’t change my motivation for the next game of tennis. After all, “playing well” can be subjective and I know we all have days where things go supposedly well on the outside, but not on the inside - maybe the inner critic is hard at work. So why judge the outside act of playing tennis, when I know I did my best, and that is all there is to it? In the case of this blog, I will endeavor not to judge my content, my speed, or my work, but just know I wrote with my best intentions. Notice how non-judgment could help allay your inner critic – type #1 thought identified above.
#3 Non-Comparison:
I focus on my own tennis game and don’t evaluate my game against others. I don’t keep score of who is winning or losing. I do love complimenting others for their amazing strokes when I notice them, but that is where it stops. I don’t then compare it to my game. None of that enters my mind. Again, this is different for me outside of tennis. When I read other people’s blogs or listen to their podcasts, I appreciate them, but then I also compare them to mine. Why is that I ask? Let me just appreciate others’ abilities while not letting that diminish my perception of my own. Notice how this directly relates to the type #2 comparison block above.
#4 Self Love and Social Connection:
I realize I play better tennis when I smile and treat myself and others around me with love. So instead of gripping the racquet, beating myself up for not getting a shot, I smile and say, “Let’s do the best on this next round with love”. And the kindness with which I treat myself, the banter with others and the coach, the sense of social connection, support me in playing better. I have had a wonderful month of social connection and support, and this is helping me get back to writing the blog I enjoy, with love and not with stress, not as a requirement, but rather as an offering with love.
#5 Egolessness:
I don’t think about my tennis lesson before, and don’t think about it after, I only play. In relation to the blog, I think, “What will create the most impact, what will be most useful?” which is fine, until I begin worrying, ruminating, or doubting. In the case of tennis, I am confident I am learning by playing, and I will apply my learnings the next time I play. I don’t spend any energy trying to play better, strategizing to play, I just play. This gives me more room to play joyfully, rather than worrying before and judging after. Sounds easier said than done. I wonder if it is because I care a lot about the blog, but the thing is I care a lot about tennis too. The difference is I write the blog post for others (or so I say). Whereas I just play tennis – not for anything or anyone, just play. So perhaps I drop the ego of why I write the blog and just write. Perhaps I don’t seek the appreciation and love of others through this blog – alleviating the type #3 desire for external validation thought.
“Life is a perfect adventure, a game that cannot be won or lost, only played.”
My questions to you are:
Where are you sailing easefully in your life and feeling a sense of peace?
What can you learn from this situation, to allow you to sail easefully in other parts of life that you may be struggling with?
I am reminded of a quote from the iPEC Coach Training program I attended:
“Life is a perfect adventure, a game that cannot be won or lost, only played.”
Happy reflecting, integrating, and playing the game of life!
I would love to hear your insights on the themes that resonate with you or any other feedback. Feel free to send an email to lalita@invitingintegration.com if you would like to share with me.